‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
next question.