“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me