“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.