[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.