[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
me adding lol on a serious message
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”