[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.