@Mike_Wrong: Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendants please rise"

@mdob11: I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

@Jenny4ashley: I love the compliments my boss gives like "wow you're on time today" and "great job ignoring dress code again".

@IsisIrisimawake: I bet Stephen King's kids aren't afraid of shit.

@BoozeWallet: [at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying