*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie