Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.