@Kyle_Lippert: Coming soon to NBC: She's a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn't play by the rules. And he's a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@murrman5: [family hears me pull in driveway] wife: please don't wrestling announcer: sorry ma'am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
@neiltyson: Getting straight "A"s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting "A"s doesn't preclude it.
@iwearaonesie: *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING
@elspetheastman: Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted