Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Print is alive and well!!!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…