[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
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I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
i meant to share this earlier
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I enjoy a good short stor
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.