[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I’d love this…lol
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.