@pixelatedboat: COMMENCE ANNIHILATI... Sorry, wrong notes, that's tomorrow's speech. Here's the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega ...
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@caperbc75: I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all "She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire"
@WheelTod: A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
@dubstep4dads: "haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-" *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they're for
@WittySassBasket: M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS? H: FFS, use your inside voice M: *whispers* did you remember condoms? H: can this wait til after mass?