[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Worth the read.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.