[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Me sliding into hell like
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.