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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
This is painfully accurate 😅
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
LA today:
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
it was a valiant fight
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers