[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think