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ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Traveler’s camo
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.