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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.