{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
so i’m at the stock market right
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
when someone rings the doorbell