[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Do not levitate over flowers
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.