[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???