[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.