[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit