When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her