"I'm tired of fruits that taste good."
@BestScienceJoke: 2night's funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
@Where__wolf: "Dad Is that a killer whale?"
"No son thats an orca"
"Oh. Well what's a killer whale?"
"U see that whale that's covered n tats & smokin weed
Her: so you're a mathematician?
Me: no actually I'm a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
@Matt_The_1st: Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I'm just gonna call you "bro" from now on.
@TheHyyyype: [paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that'll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that'll be ten thousand dollars