"I'm tired of fruits that taste good."
@BallsMcBallski: Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
Neighbor: If you don't stay out of my heating duct I'm calling the cops.
@marcusparkersol: Using the toilet on the airplane means I'm certified to teach yoga now.
@MarloMeekins: F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
@chuchugoogoo: "Read 'em and weep" I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent's handwritten love letters from WWII.
@MatCro: [Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud".
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She's always in a bad mude.