doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Introverted vegans go meetless
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.