I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them