{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.