@KarenKilgariff: compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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@iGreenBabe: Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.
@bourgeoisalien: Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
@JohnHilsen: When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.