compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Duolingo getting serious.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.