Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Breaking news:
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*has no idea what a book even is*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.