Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Dammit Chief not again
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Favourite diary entry ever
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Meat Cute
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.