Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
is this store having a stroke wtf
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks