@TrueQuixote: Computer backup systems are expensive so I include "Death To America" in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I've ever written.
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@SadieSmithRoks: A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
@LindaInDisguise: After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
@trojansauce: [aquaman origin story] *falls out of boat* help! im drowni- oh... no, im good, actually