Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I would like even faster food.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit