computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
the answer was staring at me all along
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.