Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.