[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
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I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Maths meets science
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?