[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Welcome to the stomach
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels