Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace