@UNTRESOR: Condoleeza Rice's less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Dear Dreamworks, How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon
@LoriLuvsShoes: My 21yr old son: "Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support" *slow wink*
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."