Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
sugar glider wrangler
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything