Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
How did we not see this back then?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’