I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us