If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.