CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”