CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
You Might Also Like
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.