[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.