Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Facebook memories be like
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
British people be like I’m Bri ish
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be