I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!