(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.