‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me