@GoldenSpirals: Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he'll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.
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@Eightinchgoat: The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's "no murder" resolution.
@daemonic3: [divorce court] ME: ...and that's why I am seeking full custody JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the "Netflix password"
@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long has this been bothering you? Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.