Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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This raises questions
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.